A Letter to X

Hi

I don’t know what am I thinking and why am I writing this letter/email to you. It’s been a long time. So long that it kindda stopped aching. I mean not completely… but I guess it doesn’t hurt the same way as it used to. You know like when some part of the body becomes numb…like that…. only that it’s not really a body part. It’s the pain of numbness…..kindda…

For couple of years now we have lived a certain part of our respective lives in two different corners of a web…. I picked my corner…..not that you didn’t pick yours….but it was more like me picking a corner away from you….there was a time when we lived in the same corner….we picked that corner together…..corners get claustrophobic ….too much Love can suffocate….

Sometimes I dream about you….and I see you smiling….just the way you used to….I want to hold you in my arms and kiss you….but ……

When I pass through that restaurant, I kindda feel full …thinking about all our meals there….our corner table, where we sat each time….I wonder if you ever go there now…..I don’t…..

Your photographs sometimes find their way on my desktop…..I don’t know how….I touch them to feel you….then I close my eyes to see you….

Do you ever close your eyes like that to feel me?

What happened between you and me is our story. Everyone has “stories”. Some people sell them and some just tell them. Ours is not to sell, not to talk about. Though we have not talked to each other for couple of years, our lives are still connected. They will be connected for the rest of our lives. There was a time when I couldn’t imagine my life without you….I still can’t…..probably because a part of me still lives in the past. The past is not as dark as the present. Future really doesn’t exist, because I am constantly besieged between past and present.

How you loved to read the letters I wrote to you ….I know you still read them at night when you are alone….. Then I read some letters for you….the letters that I never sent you….I can never understand why I read those letters….I feel like I have committed a sin by not sending those letters to you….they have been written by me…. but they belong to you….. Are they technically still letters …. Even if they never went out in mail….

When I moved away I took some of your stuff with me. Heart works with its own logic…even “things” have certain amount of life…..they don’t just remind me of you, they help me in being away from you. I still celebrate your birthday, my own private party.

When I see you at crossroads sometimes, my soul darts towards you …. Embraces you…. Kisses you….makes love to you….on the crossroads…..I leave my soul there…..amidst its junctures of passion and scorching orgasms……..why should I punish my soul….it has suffered enough……abstinence doesn’t work for soul anyways……I wonder….I do wonder a lot…..

The time that I have been away from you I have learnt a lot of things too. I learnt about my mistakes. Not that I really care about them…..I would have still made those mistakes… because those mistakes got me closer to you. And then there were your mistakes…..or were they again my mistakes…that created the distance between us. Would I go back in time and change things?….a part of me wants to change it…. But then…I really don’t think I want things to change….the way I love you now….I never loved before…. I was selfish. I still am.