Friday, June 6, 2008

A Letter to X


Hi

I don’t know what am I thinking and why am I writing this letter/email to you. It’s been a long time. So long that it kindda stopped aching. I mean not completely… but I guess it doesn’t hurt the same way as it used to. You know like when some part of the body becomes numb…like that…. only that it’s not really a body part. It’s the pain of numbness…..kindda…

For couple of years now we have lived a certain part of our respective lives in two different corners of a web…. I picked my corner…..not that you didn’t pick yours….but it was more like me picking a corner away from you….there was a time when we lived in the same corner….we picked that corner together…..corners get claustrophobic ….too much Love can suffocate….

Sometimes I dream about you….and I see you smiling….just the way you used to….I want to hold you in my arms and kiss you….but ……

When I pass through that restaurant, I kindda feel full …thinking about all our meals there….our corner table, where we sat each time….I wonder if you ever go there now…..I don’t…..

Your photographs sometimes find their way on my desktop…..I don’t know how….I touch them to feel you….then I close my eyes to see you….

Do you ever close your eyes like that to feel me?

What happened between you and me is our story. Everyone has “stories”. Some people sell them and some just tell them. Ours is not to sell, not to talk about. Though we have not talked to each other for couple of years, our lives are still connected. They will be connected for the rest of our lives. There was a time when I couldn’t imagine my life without you….I still can’t…..probably because a part of me still lives in the past. The past is not as dark as the present. Future really doesn’t exist, because I am constantly besieged between past and present.

How you loved to read the letters I wrote to you ….I know you still read them at night when you are alone….. Then I read some letters for you….the letters that I never sent you….I can never understand why I read those letters….I feel like I have committed a sin by not sending those letters to you….they have been written by me…. but they belong to you….. Are they technically still letters …. Even if they never went out in mail….

When I moved away I took some of your stuff with me. Heart works with its own logic…even “things” have certain amount of life…..they don’t just remind me of you, they help me in being away from you. I still celebrate your birthday, my own private party.

When I see you at crossroads sometimes, my soul darts towards you …. Embraces you…. Kisses you….makes love to you….on the crossroads…..I leave my soul there…..amidst its junctures of passion and scorching orgasms……..why should I punish my soul….it has suffered enough……abstinence doesn’t work for soul anyways……I wonder….I do wonder a lot…..

The time that I have been away from you I have learnt a lot of things too. I learnt about my mistakes. Not that I really care about them…..I would have still made those mistakes… because those mistakes got me closer to you. And then there were your mistakes…..or were they again my mistakes…that created the distance between us. Would I go back in time and change things?….a part of me wants to change it…. But then…I really don’t think I want things to change….the way I love you now….I never loved before…. I was selfish. I still am.

94 comments:

Macadamia The Nut said...

*hugs*

Wanna hear a dirty joke?
:|

ThanaMoi said...

hi!!! i blogrolled you...
:)

Beauty and the BEast said...

if I were your ex and had received THIS letter.. dude I am telling you.. I would be considering giving the entire relation a second shot RIGHT NOW!

Powerful!

Keshi said...

omg I wrote a post abt love letters today :)

Keshi.

Gonecase said...

Lovely !

rantravereflect said...

man tat got me all gooey n wet in my eyes..

the first best relationships are always like this!

your powerful expressions really got me all teary-eyed :)

sooo wat happens to this relationship afterwards?

Akshay said...

Macadamia The Nut : dirty jokes...all my prayers are being answered or what..

Akshay said...

Neeharika.... U bet...

Akshay said...

Beauty and the Beast: Ommmhh ..ah.. Dude what happens to this girl who is "doing me" these days...lol...she will kill me ...

Akshay said...

Keshi.... yeah ..I know what are the odds...btw I went and saw sex in the city...

Akshay said...

Gonecase: thank you hai ji

Akshay said...

rantravereflect: I am glad you liked it...

I guess this relationship's beauty lies in the separation...

ranjana said...

I think the best of literature comes form the agony of separation and your letter imbibes the pain of people who have been heart broken

manisha said...

melancholy rox sumtyms!! ;)

Keshi said...

good on ya! :)

Keshi.

Akshay said...

Ranju...Love is a bitch...

Akshay said...

Manisha.....yeah..it does...thanks for being here...

♥bμşγ-ŵŗϊŧēŕ♥ said...

If you're tryinta move on, the best thing to do is NOT write bout the past. It gets you to introspect, reflect, contemplate which is so-not-recommended.

btw, even i believe that some people never 'completely' go outta our lives. the paths just seem to co-incide.

:)

thanks for droppin by my blog. :)

Priya said...

Straight from the heart. Awesome.

Thank you visiting my blog.

Akshay said...

Keshi!! I am gonna have to buy the DVD for sex in the City to watch it with "sex"....

Akshay said...

♥bμşγ-ŵŗϊŧēŕ♥ : The Narrator here I guess doesn't wanna let the past slip away....lol.... he is just stupid..

Akshay said...

Priya.... thank you....

Tammy said...

Love certainly does suck at times doesn't it. Very powerful post!

Akshay said...

Yeah Tammy.... it sure does... thank you for your comment...

Dammy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dammy said...

Well spoken Akshay! I can relate with this!
There are some past that we just can't let go and we sometimes still ponder on in our little corner!

Beautiful write!

Thanks for stopping by my blog!

ishqia said...

is this the one u wanted me to read?

i had read it before u asked me to..

and that other post on car memoirs.. where u wrote its break up season..

read many others.. but bit busy nowadays..

so next time.. dont make a girl friend.. but make a life long partner and never break up..

Anindita said...

wow.. u have touched me.. maybe you should send her this post... it will at least get her thinking if not anything else...

i'm still like WOW!!!

Man, you can write and you can write really well... soul curry at its best!!!

Anindita said...

ahh.. ya.. blog rolling you..

Akshay said...

Dammy : You are right... that corner is special...Thanks

Akshay said...

ishqia: Yeah this is the one...do you mean I should get married?

Akshay said...

Anindita: Blogrolin u too!! Thanks a lot for your wonderful comments!!

I think the Narrator of this post is probably struggling with a lot of other issues plus "she" is gone...forever.

Shruti said...

aww.. :( why do people go away.. I so hate this part!
Beautifully written..

Macadamia The Nut said...

Ok, here goes.
Ther were these two pigs... who lived in this stinky pen. Then one day they slipped while playing and fell into yucky mud! ha hah! How dirty, no?

Muhahahahaaa Muhahahaaa!

Chriz said...

i can totally relate to this.. everyone have memories.. you, me and every one..
touched

CollegeGirl said...

That was beautiful. I felt that, although maybe not on the same level, I could really relate to some of the emotions and doubts and questions that you expressed.

Chriz said...

edited the blog roll.check it out

Cinderella. said...

I love the subtlety of your feelings, you know you can make them sound fo light when infact they arent...

You reminded me of a post of mine. And I cant recall the title now. This post engulfed me so much !

Beautiful. Blogrolling you.

Cinderella. said...

I think the post's called 'Solid happy memories'..

And what justifies the label 'orgasm' for this post ?

Rotfl !!!!!

g-man said...

it takes time to move on. you have to want to though...i got rid of every letter, every photo. but this one still touched me.

Akshay said...

Shruti: I ask that to myself everyday...selfish me!!

Akshay said...

Macadamia The Nut: so much for my dirty thoughts.... I should have known that one though...I was one of those pigs!!

Akshay said...

Chriz: Dude thanks.... I honestly wanna know about the Massage in china though!!

Akshay said...

Cinderella. Gracias Senora!!

I will look and read that post of urs!!

I used "orgasm" as a label cause the I felt its an appropriate word to highlight soul's response to this separation (at the crossroads) where the narrator meets his "X"...

Akshay said...

G:Man: thanks for ur comments bro!!

Akshay said...

CollegeGirl: I am glad you could relate to some of it.... Thanks

Emaan said...

too much love can suffocate...
hmm beg to differ, when it starts to suffocate it has already died.
its not love.
too much love is like an airbubble that will keep you alive even if u were buried in the seabed.

powerfully written tho

Akshay said...

Emaan: (I am guessing it's his Mommy): I just don't think in this case "Love" died.... was more about different choices...I guess... but then Narrator is really crazy...lol.. so its ok......Thanks

Urv said...

Strongly expressed man. I believe many can relate to it on different levels.

Ufuoma said...

wow Akshay this was deep! Had a similar experience with my ex for awhile...still feel like that sometimes. Nice. Seriously this letter could change your ex mind for a second chance. wow!

AaYuShI said...

Love.Lust
They're the bitches of on Dog.=P

Strong expression anyway!..

Tc!

Express said...

Reading the post leaves behind this feeling of malaise, like an incomplete examination paper does.

The post is written with so much beauty that words don't do justice. The flow maintained well and the feeling actually transmits to the reader. Very nice read.

Abhishek Khanna said...

:)

Gypsy said...

aaaaahhh!!! that was beautiful!! made me feel better about my ex! :P :) great job akshay, definitely one of my favs

Akshay said...

Urv: Thanks, yeah.... we love different people... but feelings are same...

Akshay said...

Tairebabs: Glad you could relate!!

Akshay said...

AaYuShI : Thanks for your comments!!

Akshay said...

Shatabdi!! yeh to too much appreciation ho gayee hai!! Thank you hai ji!!

Akshay said...

Khanna Sahib: kya likha hai boss, jo likha hai aacha hi likha hoga!!

Akshay said...

gypsy!! Thanks, glad you njoyed reading it!!

Alok said...

Sahi hai Boss !!! ekdum Jhakash :)

some times those mistakes gives the meanings to things that we were searching for. Your last para sums it up well !!!

ishqia said...

aur nahi to kya..

without marraige life long..
next time go for a long shot..

gunj said...

dude giv her a call n tell her all this!
im sure u guys will get back togethr!!

Steve Ballmer said...

Gotcha

Gypsy said...

you have been tagged! :D

http://fieldsofgypsies.blogspot.com/2008/06/tagged.html

Akshay said...

Alok: bole to...thanks u 2 much hai

Akshay said...

ishqia: Ok I am going to register of Shaadi.com tomorrow...

Akshay said...

Gunj: Thanks for droppin by!!

The Narrator if this post is a complete fool... he thinks that his destiny has already been written and he will always be alone...and that he can't love anyone else....

Akshay said...

Steve Ballmer: thanks for dropping by!!

Akshay said...

Gypsy: Your wish is my command....wow...and I thought I could never use this line... I have done the Tag on my poetry blog: http://crazypoem.blogspot.com/

Mulling Over My Thoughts said...

interesting one that!
i have observed over the years (and unfortunately i count myself among the said category) that the best relationships are the ones that are torrid from their onset. the ones that never find themselves a definitive end...the ones that somehow have a way of sticking on despite the differences.
perhaps what makes love more desirable in this case is the very fact that it is difficult to come by...
great piece of fiction! you either have a really whack imagination or are completely whacked out yourself!

AJEYA RAO said...

I know one cannot help these thoughts from emerging, but i hope they do not overshadow the present and vast opportinuity you have to start all over again.

Express said...

u ve been tagged! yea, its raining tags :-P

Akshay said...

Mulling Over My Thoughts :

So true!!

Thanks for the words of appreciation!!

Akshay said...

AJEYA RAO : Yeah sure, Life goes on!! thanks

Aditi ''Jiggs'' said...

hmmm
i guess writing abt it helped u to accept it

San said...

i really do think writing helps. sometimes it helps you admit things you normally wouldnt.

Scribblers Inc said...

jeeeeeeez....
:(

Scribblers Inc.

Harshvardhan said...

Very much from within your heart, isn't it? The post reminded me of a song, The Space Between, by Dave Matthews Band, do get hold of it!
Cheers!
>Harshey

Tairebabs said...

@ harshvardhan: I love that song. The words are amazing
....."The space between The tears we cry is the laughter that keeps us coming back for more
The space between
The wicked lies we tell to keep us safe from the pain".........awwwww amazing!

Akshay said...

Aditi ''Jiggs'' : This kind of writing helps. Thanks for visiting!!

Akshay said...

San: Thanks for your comments!!

Akshay said...

Scribblers Inc.

Puleeeez!! lol

Ferrin B said...

wow akshay! that was so totally romantic! lucky that girl is.

AaYuShI said...

Isn't it lng since your blog was updated?

Do update it,dude!

And be a guest at my online abode soon!

vishvsambyal said...

THIS WAS SUMTHING BHAI..REALLY....IT MAKES ME PONDER TOO..DAMMN...WELL WRITTEN

Anindita said...

You have been tagged! :)

Cinderella. said...

Dude I think its about time you do an update !!

Akshay said...

Ferrin B : thanks...both of us were lucky to experience this.....oh wait this is fiction...

Akshay said...

AaYuShI : sure...thanks

Akshay said...

vishvsambyal : I am glad u liked it brother!! Ur blog is awesome!! Ur writings kindda remind me my friend from Army...

Akshay said...

Anindita : u bet!!

Akshay said...

Cinderella. : sure thing... now that I am back from Thailand, I have so much to write about...

venus66 said...

Well written. Is it a true story? Very touching. Take care.