Monday, May 5, 2008

in the balcony

We live different lives and we also live our lives in different rooms/houses/buildings. How does it feel to go back to your first home? Well you need to feel it to know it.


Yesterday I went to Kalkaji (DDA Flats) with mummy and saw the flat which was my first home. Mom wanted to go and meet her old friend Baby (I know too many Punjabi Aunties called Baby). Though she lives in Mumbai she was here visiting her father. Of course I was a toddler when we stayed there, but there was a weird familiarity with that place. I felt very comfortable there. I don’t know ….

It seemed like a metaphorical womb. It was strange to be there after so many years. But for my mom it was a lot more… She seemed thrilled…excited …I dunno…. I mean I was excited and all, but I had nothing to go back to…..you know like when I visited our house in Agra almost after 12 years (or my school in Agra) I had memories…. And there were so many of them, in all different colors and stories…. So much of “nostalgia”….

When she was standing outside, in the balcony, I swear I saw her trying to do away with her tears. I guess a lot was going on in her mind at that moment…memories of Vinny growing up and then me as a new born baby. All that time she spent alone in that flat, all the time she might have spent waiting for Papa.

It would have been too much of “nostalgia” for her; it was that time when we didn’t have a phone (Not that she could have called back home too often any which ways: STD Calls were too expensive back in 80’s). I know for sure that Papa must have been late everyday. Damn…that time must have been quite tough for her …all alone in this new city with us little devils... I guess that’s when she became friends with Baby Aunty and got cozy with the rest of her family too….I know, I am what I am because of what happened in her life….I wouldn’t have been here, if some other man would have been in her life. I mean it would have been some other damn sperm. But then it wouldn’t have been about me (it’s not about me anyways right now)…. How her life would have been then? Happier? It’s hard to say…..very hard indeed!!


While Baby Aunty was in the Kitchen preparing Chai, Mummy was in the balcony….. Perhaps in the flashback living through those seconds, minutes, hours, days she spent waiting for Daddy. She had no idea about the other woman then. Now, the fact that the only man she ever “loved” disgraced that relationship, sucks. She hates him now.

Be it a man or a woman, everyone wants to cherish each moment of their love life and take it to their grave. But mom really doesn’t have any of those memories…..it really doesn’t matter that we are doing pretty good as a family now (with Papa gone)…..She probably stands in the balcony thinking about all those years she spent raising three kids ....without much help from her husband. I wanted to go out in the balcony and ask her what she was thinking about…. But I just couldn’t….I don’t know why…..

18 comments:

Cinderella. said...

This was a beautiful narration Akshay !
Being an out an out 'nostalgic' person, I loved every bit of it.

Sach mein, you relate to a certain place when you have memories. And when you have memories, you have a lot to get nostalgic about. Which I think is a good thing.

I'm reminded of my home now. Thangod I'll be going on a vacation there next to next week.

YOu write form the heart, wihtout much jazz. NIce !

Akshay said...

Thanks a lot Cinderella....I need a vacation too....You enjoy your vacation!!

Macadamia The Nut said...

*hugs*
Sometimes good things arise out of horrible happenstances.

noelia ~ said...

i've always lived in this house, same bedroom even, so i don't really know what it's like to have grow up in different places. in a way it's kinda nice, cause i have so many memories every single day, but it also makes it hard to move/call another place home.

Akshay said...

Macadamia the nut: thanks for dropping by!!

Akshay said...

Noelia: Thanks for your comments: sometimes the concept of "home" in itself is very ambiguous...I know some families who have been staying in the same house for three generations…I envy them, cause some of them have awesome antiques

Tairebabs said...

Hi Akshay, this write up was so intense. I can so relate to it. Last year my family moved out from a house I had leaved in for more than 15 years. It was a place I had called home. Am not quite sure I have gotten over it. The thing is I have learnt that there is home and there are houses. Houses hold memories but our home is that place where we find hapiness.

Lovely blog!

Akshay said...

Tairebabs : Thanks a ton!!

Keshi said...

I miss my childhood home...where my dad used to live too. The last place he was alive.

Keshi.

nefariousoutlook said...

dude!! intense post!! can relate to the feeling..have moved around quite a bit but yes every time you return to the previous home ...the floodgates of memories open..you suddenly realize that you remember many more details than you can expect...the name of the aunty who stayed in the next house ..every minute detail :)

well written ..simple but nice !!

keep posting :)

Akshay said...

nefariousoutlook: Thanks for visiting.

Akshay said...

Keshi: Childhood memories can be so important.....and of course places which have a connection with our parents, become emotionally important for us...thanks for dropping by!!

quarterpastseven said...

Well, I've lived in a few places..and I like to have detailed memories of small things.. So, every now and then I go into these phases of nostalgia and reflection. It's good in a way, I guess.

Akshay said...

quarterpastseven : It's good indeed!!

Thinking-of-a-pen-name said...

hmm..that was moving....

Akshay said...

Thinking-of-a-pen-name : thanks

rashmi said...

ive recently moved away from the house that ive grown up in and there are so many memories attached to that place...

and yes, abt ur mom, even if ud asked her what she was thinking abt, probably she wld not have answered. sometimes we cannot put our thoughts into words

Akshay said...

Rashmi... yeah..I agree...It would have been too difficult for her to express too..Thanks for your comments