A Letter to X

Hi

I don’t know what am I thinking and why am I writing this letter/email to you. It’s been a long time. So long that it kindda stopped aching. I mean not completely… but I guess it doesn’t hurt the same way as it used to. You know like when some part of the body becomes numb…like that…. only that it’s not really a body part. It’s the pain of numbness…..kindda…

For couple of years now we have lived a certain part of our respective lives in two different corners of a web…. I picked my corner…..not that you didn’t pick yours….but it was more like me picking a corner away from you….there was a time when we lived in the same corner….we picked that corner together…..corners get claustrophobic ….too much Love can suffocate….

Sometimes I dream about you….and I see you smiling….just the way you used to….I want to hold you in my arms and kiss you….but ……

When I pass through that restaurant, I kindda feel full …thinking about all our meals there….our corner table, where we sat each time….I wonder if you ever go there now…..I don’t…..

Your photographs sometimes find their way on my desktop…..I don’t know how….I touch them to feel you….then I close my eyes to see you….

Do you ever close your eyes like that to feel me?

What happened between you and me is our story. Everyone has “stories”. Some people sell them and some just tell them. Ours is not to sell, not to talk about. Though we have not talked to each other for couple of years, our lives are still connected. They will be connected for the rest of our lives. There was a time when I couldn’t imagine my life without you….I still can’t…..probably because a part of me still lives in the past. The past is not as dark as the present. Future really doesn’t exist, because I am constantly besieged between past and present.

How you loved to read the letters I wrote to you ….I know you still read them at night when you are alone….. Then I read some letters for you….the letters that I never sent you….I can never understand why I read those letters….I feel like I have committed a sin by not sending those letters to you….they have been written by me…. but they belong to you….. Are they technically still letters …. Even if they never went out in mail….

When I moved away I took some of your stuff with me. Heart works with its own logic…even “things” have certain amount of life…..they don’t just remind me of you, they help me in being away from you. I still celebrate your birthday, my own private party.

When I see you at crossroads sometimes, my soul darts towards you …. Embraces you…. Kisses you….makes love to you….on the crossroads…..I leave my soul there…..amidst its junctures of passion and scorching orgasms……..why should I punish my soul….it has suffered enough……abstinence doesn’t work for soul anyways……I wonder….I do wonder a lot…..

The time that I have been away from you I have learnt a lot of things too. I learnt about my mistakes. Not that I really care about them…..I would have still made those mistakes… because those mistakes got me closer to you. And then there were your mistakes…..or were they again my mistakes…that created the distance between us. Would I go back in time and change things?….a part of me wants to change it…. But then…I really don’t think I want things to change….the way I love you now….I never loved before…. I was selfish. I still am.

Diamonds are no friends......

So it was Mothers day and I decide to go to a Jewellery store to get something for my Mom.

There are two such shops nearby my place; I just go there to check out what kind of stuff they have. I am there, checking out gold bangles, earrings and blah blah….. and this fat guy entered the shop.

I know this fat guy from my high school….I don’t know if he recognized me or not…not that we were ever friends…..he was may be three years junior to me…he was fat back in school too….and now he’s grown bigger. And me, well I was so skinny in school….really…but thanks to all the pizza’s and chicken cooked by Jose’s mom….I guess…. I am no longer skinny….damn I am getting carried away with school stuff…..lets get back to the shop.

A father and son duo runs this store. Old dude was attending to me and answering all my stupid questions. The fat guy walks up to the son, who was attending to a chick.

“Excuse me, can you help me out here….I have a small question”

This young guy asks him to wait…of course the fat guy needs to wait….the “son” was chatting (and showing rings) to this hot chick!!

The girl left in a few minutes. I was still looking at different stuff, wondering if I should really buy something, because no matter what it is, quite frankly my mom would want to exchange it.

“Yes sir, how can I help you” the young guy asked the fat guy.

“Oh … we found this in my mother’s safe….and apparently we don’t know what it is? “ He took out a “sparkling thing” from a faded envelope and handed it over to the young guy.

“I will check it for you, sir”

The young guy takes out some kind of instrument to test this thing. While he was performing this check, his father also got fascinated by what his son was doing and completely stopped answering my equally fascinating dumb questions. I was really pissed.

And I got all the more pissed when the young guy tells the fatso that, that “thing” is a “diamond”. Honestly I just caught a glimpse of that “Sparkling Thing” it was huge…..I have absolutely no knowledge about diamonds…. But if that thing is indeed a diamond….It’s a Fuc#$%& jackpot for that fatso…..there was a turmoil in my head….. May be I should go home and check some murky locker at my place….what the F&*^ ….. May be…. even my grand parents must have buried some “diamond, emerald, ruby” damn something…some precious stone …..Somewhere ……

Seriously, the old dude almost had a heart attack…..he was staring at the “diamond” like a zombie!! He completely ignored me……. That fatso and his fat “Diamond” completely shattered my existence. The fat guy asked the young guy about the approximate price of the diamond. The young guy told him that, it’s probably gonna be worth at least 4-5 lacs (Rupees).

The “mean” devil inside me wanted to smash all three of them and run away with the “diamond”. But this old dude’s zombie look was really creepy and scared the shit out of me. I walked out.

I walked over to this other shop which was very close to the previous one. I was still pissed and a part of my mind was still quarrelling with the “all mighty”. This shop was a little bit bigger than the other one. This one dude started showing me bangles, earrings and other stuff.

In like two minutes, the fat guy walks in here too.

NOW…..If there would have been a pisso-meter or some kindda gadget to measure my intensity of frustration, it would have exploded in all likelihood. I so wanted to slap this fatso…… and tell him to go and join a gym….may be go jogging….. or stop eating …..whatever…..do something meaningful in his sad/fat life …..And for Pete’s sake…he should stop following me from one shop to another with his fat diamond, which quite frankly was making me feel so minuscule.

I swear, but somehow the fat guy looked bigger to me. I mean it felt like he gained couple of kilos just because of the jackpot euphoria. He went over to the other counter and asked the same thing to the guy at the counter.

The guy at the counter took the “Diamond” in his hand ….just looked at it with his naked eye and said “Sir this is just ‘American Diamond’ you know Zircon”

I don’t know shit about diamonds…this is just gibberish for me….but still……somehow life was looking good again!! There was Hope……God was not trying to tell me that I am his nastiest creation!! I wanted to “salute” the guy at the other counter.

The guy at the counter added “This is probably worth Rs 150-200”

I was elated……the “devil” inside me wanted to set the fat guy in the school auditorium and tag him “JACK-ASS” ………

I knew pretty well that there is a possibility that this guy was wrong and that was indeed a real Diamond. But I wanted to end the story there. So I walked out…. yet again.

P.S: My mom is very “picky”; she “condemns” pretty much everything, even the things that she herself selects. So I guess I will just take her to the store and whatever she wants to buy……I love her though!! Also I "don't have no" intentions to offend/ridicule people are over weight. (“Fiction without any Friction”……please....peace)